Skill # 19: Be Your Best Self

“Don’t look at me. Stop looking at me. Don’t, Don’t, DON”T look at me.”

These words from one of my dance instructors, as we were in dance hold and he was taking me through a new-to-me quickstep pass.

He stopped us.

“Why are you doing that?” he asked me, looking me straight in the eye, earnestly.

My answer, also known as an excuse. “Because I am use to dancing with my husband, and when we are learning something new I tend to look at him and talk with him, counting sometimes, telling him what comes next sometimes.”

“Don’t do it,” Paul said, shaking his head. You get in proper dance hold and you dance the best you know how. You dance to your highest and best capacity. That will make it easier on Nick in the long run.” 

 ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP LESSON FROM THE WORLD OF DANCE.

Let me translate to the psycho-spiritual world. It is not always such a good idea to try and help or fix someone else. Maybe if we just give whatever we are doing our highest and best, everything else will be ok. Things often need to play out without our interference.   It may be our own anxiety or control issues (picture my guilty face here) that keep us looking where we shouldn’t look. But it is better when we pay attention to ourselves. Be your highest and best self and stop worrying about what others are doing. Even when in close relationship, pay attention to what is your responsibility.

Another dance lesson went like this. (Yes, sometimes I am a slow learner.)

“Amy, you have to be completely, solidly on your leg. You cannot depend on Nick to hold you up.  Nick, you have to communicate to her-let her know that you have her. She is not going to let go if she’s not sure that you have her.” 

Don’t you just love the paradoxical nature of relationships? Sometimes it makes my head spin.

What does it mean to be standing on one’s own leg(s) in a relationship? That’s a loaded question but let’s begin with the basics.

It means that my partner is not responsible for my well-being. It is my responsibility to steady myself, ground myself, hold myself up. This means that I take care of my emotional and spiritual needs, as well as my physical needs. I do not wait for someone else to take care of that for me. And I take care of those things because they are important to me.   I love and value myself enough to be solid, grounded, and healthy on all fronts. When I am at my best, it is not only for me but it is a gift to those around me. I might go as far as to say I owe it to my partner (and my children) to be at my best. If we are going to “dance together”, go through life together, I can make that dance easier for both of us if I am completely, solidly on my leg.

Don’t panic. I know there are periods when life hands us a hard time. We are wobbly and vulnerable and not at our best. Of course. But generally those times are not meant to be the majority of the time. It is during these times, times of desolation, loss, and crisis, that we have the opportunity to slow down, take stock, regroup, relearn, be nurtured, and come back again, different perhaps, but solid.

And now for more paradox. Even when I am standing on my own leg, I need my partner to “have me.”

What does it mean to communicate to someone that you “have them”, that you have their back and you will do your darndest not to let them fall?

foxtrot

It means supporting them in ways that actually feel supportive. Perhaps saying words of affirmation and backing those words up with actions. Maybe offering a sincere apology if doing so would repair some damage done. It means listening clearly enough to know what would feel supportive so another. For someone it may mean taking on a few chores. For another it might mean planning a night out or a vacation. Perhaps taking care of the children or turning off a TV or computer and engaging in conversation would feel supportive. It may mean offering kindness and generosity to an in-law. Recently in my office I have heard many stories about how stressed sole providers of households feel. When spouses are unwilling to work, to somehow add to the family income, the other partner can feel very unsupported, like no one has his or her back.

It is important to remember that in real life, the roles are interchangeable. Sometimes we are the one standing strong, and sometimes we are the one holding. But either way, when we come together, independently and then interdependently, we can make a beautiful dance together. The final dance is more intricate, more fluid, more spectacular than the sum of its parts.

Back to the beginning. Why wasn’t I being my best self on the dance floor?   The truthful answer is that I am not always willing to wait on my husband’s own learning pace and style. I am embarrassed just saying that. He is a lovely dancer, with his own way of learning and his own pace. We always get there together, eventually, but my own impatience was getting in the way of the organic process that actually works when I allow it to. Creating a dance with someone, (read creating a relationship with someone) means each person needs to bring their highest and best self to the dance floor. That’s when the messy becomes marvelous. That’s when the magic happens.

Enjoy the dance steps in your own relationships, and be your best self,  because life is messy and life is marvelous.

Amy

Complete disclosure. I wrote earlier about each of these dance lessons in two blogs that can be found at my website, www.amysandermontanez.com

5 thoughts on “Skill # 19: Be Your Best Self”

  1. Loved this today! I was reminded of this today to stand on my own two feet but ok to WAIT and be patient with myself and others.

    It was such a blessing to meet you Amy! Thank you for the insights and encouragement you gave. You are so valuable to us all.

    Pandora

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