Take 2:
Confession #1: This is my second run at writing this blog. I wrote one that “lost the plot.” I forgot this was specifically supposed to follow the theme of relationships. That’s the truth.
Speaking of plots–Confession #2: I love romantic comedies and romantic dramas. (Is that a genre?) I believe we all secretly like them. I’m not a student of cinema; in fact, I have a film buff friend who would say I don’t know much about movies at all. I do know this though—we all love the part at the end when someone ‘fesses up and really says what they mean—something they’ve been so carefully hiding and disguising for the entire movie up to that point. It’s the moment of redemption. The main character suddenly says all the things that we’ve been watching him or her hide—both from the other character(s) but more importantly, from themselves.
It was two simple words: “I’m scared.” At the end of “The Proposal”, Sandra Bullock whispers these two honest words to Ryan Reynolds and it becomes the moment of redemption for her character who spent the entire plot running from herself and her emotions. Why is it so hard to just say what we mean? And what difference does it make anyway?
The truth is that it makes a big difference. The truth is that saying what you mean builds relationship. It says, “I’m willing to take a risk by being honest with you.” “I’m willing to show you who I really am.”
Why is it so hard to just say what we mean? And what difference does it make anyway? The truth is that it makes a big difference.
There is a great deal of cultural wisdom about meaning what we say. In his 1997 best seller, The Four Agreements, Don Ruiz Miguel cites the wisdom of the Toltecs with the first (and cited as the most profound) agreement: Be Impeccable with your word. ‘Impeccable’ means precise and of the highest standards. After all, words are our tools of connection in everyday life. Or not. Sometimes, they keep us apart.
Miguel challenges us “to use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love”. Like so many things, to do it well, that skill requires many moments of practice. To really understand your intent takes a great deal of reflection. Miguel goes on to say that with your words you are planting seeds. These seeds could grow into many things. Hopefully, we are planting connection and trust in our relationships rather than distrust and distance.
Words are our tools of connection in everyday life.
Then there is the second part, “mean what you say.” It is so easy for us to say things we don’t mean: “Sure, I’ll do that thing. I’ll even do all the things.” But that is often a misrepresentation which is not well thought out. We want to be agreeable but it ends up being an untruth. Like Mary Poppins said, “A pie crust promise: easily made, easily broken.” When we don’t mean what we say, it erodes trust. When we don’t trust someone, we sure don’t care to be close with them.
One of the best (or worst) movie examples of not meaning what you say is “The Break-Up”. Jennifer Anniston’s character goes out of her way to create scenes in a futile effort to get her boyfriend to do what she wants. It’s manipulative (and painful) to watch. All this while Vince Vaughn is busy acting out in a way that reveals his cluelessness about his own behavior and desires. In the end, it doesn’t seem like either one get what they want. Even the climactic moment of redemption and honesty reveals a situation that is just too far gone. As a result, there are no relationship winners. The messages were disguised and no one said what they really meant; hence, irreparable distance moved into their relationship.
When we don’t trust someone, we sure don’t care to be close with them.
There are times we realize later that we have not been impeccable with our word. What do we do? Well, the movies tell us that we usually have time for a second chance. So, Take 2: back up and say, “You know what—I didn’t really mean that. I should have been more clear and honest with what I meant.” I saw a remarkable example of the redemption of saying what you mean and meaning what you say in a recent movie—so recent that I won’t create a spoiler by telling which movie—the young husband, who thought he could do something which ended up as a real relationship mess, went to his wife and said something like, ‘I thought I could do this but I can’t and I lost who I am in the process’. (Forgive me—I’m really bad at verbatim movie quotes.) It was a beautiful, honest statement. It created a connection. It built trust even after a betrayal. It’s how to Be Your Best Self.
So Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say because Life is Messy and Life is Marvelous.