“You are either changing or you are dead.”
Another pearl of wisdom from one of my parents, this time from my father. I do not remember when he said this to me, probably sometime when I was waxing on about the many changes in my life and he sliced through all of my angst and navel gazing with this simple statement.
Well, honey, you are either changing or you are dead.
For the purposes of this series on relationships, let me say, “Your relationship is either changing or it is dead.”
The truth is, we as individuals and we as relationships are hard-wired to seek equilibrium. We don’t want things to be unexpected. We want to know what will happen next. We want our partner to be predictable. We like certainty. We are actually capable of taking huge risks while not being aware of the risk because we are so wired for risk avoidance and for stability seeking. Even those who would identify as risk takers work very hard to try and anticipate the risks and avoid problems. We all like to know what to expect, especially in our relationships with those we love.
Here’s the rub. Shit happens. Although relationships can rock along with a good amount of stability for awhile, there is nothing stable about life. Partners get sick, lose jobs, lose interest. People die, get lost, lose their minds. Accidents happen, betrayals happens, natural disasters occur. (more on this in a minute).
So what does it mean to expect the unexpected in terms of relationships? Should you walk around on pins and needles waiting for the next big relational drama to come your way? No, that would make you a bit crazy. Way too much vigilence. What it does mean is that when the unexpected happens, which it will, it doesn’t destroy you. The shock of it, or the truth of it, doesn’t take you permanently under. You are grounded enough, stable enough, conscious enough to know that life can change on a dime and that you and those you are in relationship with can get through the unexpected. When the unexpected happens, you know how to lean in. You know what holds you up. For many, that is their faith. For some, that is their community. For others, it may be friends and family. For some, it is all of the above.
In an interview with GQ, ( http://www.gq.com/story/stephen-colbert-gq-cover-story), Stephen Colbert spoke about Jeff Michalski, the man who was director of Second City when he was in the troupe. Michalski taught him this. “You have to learn to love the bomb.” You have to love the very thing which was unexpected. Colbert continued in this profound interview by sharing about the bomb that was the death of his father and two closest brothers. He then gave us this pearl of wisdom. “It’s that I love the thing that I most wish had not happened.” I cannot say it better than that.
How can your relationship be strengthened so that you move through the unexpected moments in life with more ease and grace, more confidence and courage, and dare I say more love?
One: Begin begin by having on-going conversations with your partner about your values. (http://www.messymarvelous.com/skill-15-keep-your-priorities-straight/). What do you really value? What makes you tick? Who and what do you turn to for support during stressful times? Talk about how you got through the last unexpected thing in life. What worked? What didn’t work?
Next: Work on the difficult skill of staying present. Mindfulness is the buzz word. What is happening here, now? Focus on your present feelings, thoughts, and impulses. Talk about them. Don’t get too far ahead or too far behind in your thinking.
Third: Practice gratitude specifically about your partner. People who have a practice of gratitude, or a discipline of gratitude, report coming through the unexpected times in a much less difficult way than those who do not. So every day, maybe at the dinner table or in the car or before you roll over in bed at night, have an earnest conversation about that day’s gratitudes. Be specific. What about your partner are you grateful for this very day?
Let me speak for just a moment about the flood in Columbia. The area of Columbia in which I live has been spared the terrible devastation that those in other areas have experienced. All of the pictures you have seen on TV are true. It is horrible, devastating, and will be challenging for months to come. Even though this area is a 1000 year flood zone, no one expected this. How could you? It would have been like New Orleans expecting Katrina.
Of course their levees could have been inspected, up to code, and the like. Of course we could choose not to build in flood plains and wetlands and respect our land more. But even if all the risk factors are scrutinized, which Americans LOVE to do after a crisis– “How could this have been prevented?”–there will still be the unexpected. There will always be the bomb. Our job is to have the courage, mindfulness, faith, stability, fortitude, community, and desire to get through these times with graciousness and generosity. Our job is to learn from the unexpected and to bring our learning forward into our daily and future lives. It will be true for the community of Columbia. It is equally true for your relationship.
Our job is to have the courage, mindfulness, faith, stability, fortitude, community, and desire to get through these times with graciousness and generosity.
So expect the unexpected, learn to love the bomb, because life is messy, and life is marvelous.
Amy
P.S. In another blog I may address what happens when the unexpected is wonderful, delightful, unimaginably good! That can happen, too.
Wonderful Message, Friend and Mentor!