Skill #40: Just Say No

“If you can’t say “no”, your “yes” means nothing.”

One of the hallmarks of healthy relationships is healthy boundaries. This is true for relationships with your children, your parents, your co-workers, your boss, and your friends. But in terms of your love relationships, what does the word boundaries conjure for you?

A boundary is nothing more than a sense of where you end and I begin. Boundaries can be very fluid, as they tend to be in people who are pleasers and in families where the rules are relaxed. Or they can be a bit rigid, a set of rules, regulations, and expectations that are rarely loosened. As in most of life, 180 degrees from sick is still sick, so either end of this continuum in a relationship could be toxic.

A boundary is nothing more than a sense of where you end and I begin.

I think of a boundary as an outward sign, (a look, a word, a rule, a promise, a behavior) of an inward truth. The clearer my truth, the clearer my boundary, the better you will actually know me. So good boundaries help us know each other more intimately. Good boundaries are also one of the things I not only negotiate with my partner but I negotiate with myself. How do I manage my own thoughts, feelings, time, and behaviors? For instance, I might say to myself, “I will not behave like that again.” This is an internal boundary. I didn’t like something I did or said and I am now going to give myself a boundary and choose not to do that again.

Good boundaries help us know each other more intimately.

My dad, now 93 and not quite as spry as he once was, use to love to come up behind me, wrap his arms around me like he was going to hug me, and then tickle my sides. He did this to all the women in the family, I think. But I hated it. I don’t like being tickled. I didn’t like being “tricked”, (I thought this was going to be a lovely hug but it turned out to be annoying) and I was usually verbal and rebellious about it. “Don’t tickle me. You know I hate to be tickled,” I would fuss while trying to wriggle away. He would laugh and tease me but it never stopped. One day while sitting at the breakfast table, I said to him very calmly, “Dad, I know you love me and I love you. I know you like to be affectionate and I like your affection. But I really hate being tickled. And now, because you have done it so much, every time I see you coming up behind me I get anxious and jumpy. And I don’t want to feel that way about you. I don’t want to worry every time you walk behind me. I need you to stop.” And he did. Just like that. It never happened again. He didn’t engage in a lengthy conversation with me. He just said he didn’t mean for me to feel anxious. And he stopped. Boundary accomplished.

I could give you hundreds of examples from my marriage, my job, my child, my friends, my church, my neighbors, and just from life in general. I could tell you times I’ve done it well and times it has failed. Research psychology suggests that the time to set boundaries with your partner is way before you need them, and at times when emotions are low. I can tell you that my own experiences align with the research. The ability to set boundaries early in a relationship and adhere to them is often the foundation for future and lasting success in relationships. It is a way of developing the friendship of a loving relationship. This is who I am. Who are you?

Just to break it down a little, here is a way to think about boundaries.

Material boundaries: How do you decide about the ownership of things? What do you lend, borrow, or touch? What are the rules about personal objects, money,(this is a big one!) cars, phones, and journals.   

Physical boundaries: How much touch do you want? Is it ok to tickle me? Do we hold hands, kiss, hug in public? Can I curl up with you in bed or do you prefer no touching when trying to sleep?

Mental boundaries: What are you thoughts, values, and feelings? Can you hold on to them in discussions or do you give them easily away? Are they accepted and respected or are you told that what you believe is wrong, stupid, or crazy?

Emotional boundaries: What are your feelings about things? Can you name them and claim them without blaming someone else? Can you take responsibility for your emotions and can your partner take responsibility for his/her own? Are emotions respected in your relationship? Can you have your feelings without someone trying to fix you?

Sexual Boundaries: What is your comfort with sexual touching and involvement? What, where, when, how? Are sexual boundaries respected?

Spiritual Boundaries: Are your spiritual beliefs respected and honored? Can you talk about your spiritual life without shame? Do you respect the beliefs of the other?

There are so many myths about boundaries. I hear people tell me that they feel like a boundary is meant to punish another. No, no, no! A boundary is meant for your own well-being and health. Set them when you are calm, courageous, courteous, and assertive. And set them quickly if you are starting to feel any of these emotions: resentment, anger, guilt, shame, or contempt. The presence of these feelings is a sure sign that better boundaries are needed.

Why are boundaries hard? Well, for lots of reasons, but usually because we don’t know who we are and what we want from life. Or we know what we want and believe but somehow are willing to settle for less than that. We don’t believe we deserve to be respected. Or we’ve made some past mistakes and we haven’t learned to trust ourselves again. Or we just hate conflict, (so many people avoid conflict) and so we’d rather just go along than stir things up. Or the person is in a position of authority over us and we don’t feel like we can just say no.

Remember, setting boundaries is a life skill. It is mostly a way to keep your Self, the essence of who you are, in tact, and so we have boundaries because they help others know our values, beliefs, and wishes. Good boundaries can be flexible, can be the result of compromise and even creativity. When we are a whole person, when we are comfortable with who we are, then we can be truly close to another.

Robert Frost in his poem Mending Walls explores the paradoxical nature of boundaries, ending with the sentence which also feels like a question to me in this poem  “Good fences make good neighbours.”  It takes some thought to decide what the boundaries are and where they should be in relationships.

Relationships are messy, and with good boundaries they can be marvelous!

Amy

A BIG PS: This skill/blog is about boundaries in healthy relationships. If you are involved in an abusive or neglectful relationship, setting rigid boundaries can be life saving. This blog is not about how to set boundaries in cases of abuse or victimization.