Skill #35: Give Up Perfectionism

“So many of us believe in perfection, which ruins everything else, because perfection is not only the enemy of the good, it is the enemy of the realistic, the possible, and the fun.”

Rebecca Solnit-writer

“The tyranny of the should.”

You know how sometimes you are listening to the radio or a podcast or a sermon, or in this case, a lecture, and all of a sudden you hear something that wakes you up and you are listening with big and open ears. As a graduate student, this term, given to the world by Karen Horney, neo-Freudian psychoanalyst and in many ways founder of feminine psychology, woke me right up. Yes, I thought, I know about the tyranny of the should.

I had never thought of myself as a perfectionist. I wasn’t compulsive or obsessive. I was (and still am) competitive, but I never went crazy if I lost at sports or didn’t achieve my highest goals. I was not obsessed with my looks or my grades. But I sure knew about the tyranny of the should. At the time I heard this lecture, I could have written a few pages of “shoulds”.

Today, 32 years since I heard this lecture, I can honestly say I have given up on perfectionism. Well, at least mostly. It’s a stubborn little neurosis. Years ago the litany of commands in my head went something like this. “I should be a better wife. I should be the perfect mom. I should be able to juggle my career responsibilities and home, volunteer, keep a smile on my face, and still feel sexy at the end of the day. I should finish that project I started and I should exercise five times a week because I should keep a good figure. I should eat healthfully and cook healthy meals for my family and I should keep our finances in order so we can save for our future. I should remember everyone’s birthday and anniversary and mail cards and gifts.” Honestly, I feel nauseous just writing that now. But that’s the sickening truth. And I know I am not alone. Because in many ways, perfectionism helps keep me in business.

The poisonous fruits of perfectionism are self-righteousness, pride, and a myriad of problem behaviors.

Perfectionism is different than striving for excellence. Perfectionism is a dysfunctional and distorted cognitive style. Perfectionism encourages dichotomous thinking. Either-or. Black-or-white. Always-or-never. Our thinking is polarized and rigid. http://www.messymarvelous.com/skill-12-stay-flexible/ The poisonous fruits of perfectionism are self-righteousness, pride, and a myriad of problem behaviors. (Yes, perfectionism is in full view in our culture and political world.) The symptoms of perfectionism are many.

• Depression: It’s depressing to keep striving for the impossible. Just saying. Anne Lamott says, ” Perfectionism is shallow, unreal, and fatally uninteresting.”
• Inaccurate Self Esteem: I can’t know who I really am if I cannot look at myself clearly and honestly. If you are pretending to be perfect, you will be unable to be honest with yourself.
• Procrastination: Not only does perfectionism stop people from finishing important work, it stops people from starting important work.
• Fear of Failure: Repeat after me: “I will fail. And life will go on.” Keep repeating this until you can say it without throwing up. Click To Tweet
• Troubled Relationships: Relationships are messy. They are juicy. If you try to keep them all nice and shiny you are sure to get in trouble. And you won’t have any fun, either. So sad.
• Addictive Behaviors: The addictive cycle of anything involves too much control and then episodes of releasing. Since perfectionism by its very nature is all about control, you can bet the “release” portion of this cycle will show up often.
• Anxiety (or maybe just fear in general) Underneath the perfect exterior is a quivering mass of a person who believes, deep down, that they are not good enough and will never be good enough. What a horrible way to walk through life. Obsessive compulsive behaviors and eating disorders are often related to perfectionism.

Relationships are messy. They are juicy. If you try to keep them all nice and shiny you are sure to get in trouble. And you won’t have any fun, either.

If that is perfectionism, then by contrast what does striving for excellence look like? People who strive for excellence usually take great pleasure in their accomplishments, even if they do not meet their goals. They often feel excited, passionate, and energized about their work, play, and goals. Striving for excellence is character building and good for the individual as well as for our culture. Striving for excellence is setting a goal and and relishing in each and every step of the journey. Striving for perfection, in contrast is being a hamster on a wheel. You never get there. You are miserable because you know that. But you cannot stop.

Perfectionism is different than striving for excellence. Perfectionism is a dysfunctional and distorted cognitive style.

What helped me embark on the journey to give up perfectionism? Initially, exhaustion. Which led me to meditation and contemplative prayer and spiritual direction. And this is what I learned 28 years ago.

I learned that the Greek term used in the Bible for perfect, “Be perfect, even as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Matthew 5:48, is teleios. Biblical scholar William Barclay wrote that this word has nothing to do with our perception of abstract, unattainable perfection. A person is teleios if s/he realizes the purpose for which s/he was created. In other words, a person can strive for wholeness and completion. In his commentary on Matthew he goes on to say, “the one thing which makes us like God is the love which never ceases to care for [people], no matter what [they] do. We enter upon Christian perfectionism when we learn to forgive as God forgives and love as God loves.”

When I understood this, my purpose changed. I began to learn to love myself the way I was, with my strengths and my weaknesses. I learned to love others and forgive others as well as myself. My unrealistic expectations of myself and others changed. I can now strive for wholeness and completion and union, instead of perfection. I think I started breathing deeply for the first time in my life when this shift happened.

There are cultures around the world where imperfection is built into the art. Some cultures’ artists purposely put imperfections in rugs as an acknowledgement of their humanity and of God’s sole perfection. The Puritans put ‘humility squares” in their quilts to acknowledge the same thing. We are all perfectly imperfect. That is the glorious way of humanity.

Perfectionism is insidious. It invades our culture, our religious and political institutions, and perhaps most damaging, it invades our families. We know from research that perfectionism is more prevalent in women in our society than it is in men. Brene’ Brown has dedicated her life to research in this area.

If you give up one thing this year, give up perfectionism, because life is messy, and it is WAY more marvelous without perfectionism.

Amy