“I don’t want to sound combative or anything, BUT ….” Well then, don’t.
“Of course, it’s not anything about you, BUT….” Then what is it about?
This young student had no idea how he sounded. But it was clear to me. His non-verbal communication and his disclaimers did nothing to soften his criticisms about the historical theory at hand. He wasn’t buying it.
Why couldn’t he just say that? “I’m having a hard time believing this.” “You’re going to have to work harder to convince me.” Or, “Aren’t these theories a bit obsolete?” The thing is, I heard him loud and clear. His eye rolling and head shaking were actually enough—long before he raised his hand. He couldn’t be clear. It was not really his truth. His messages were not congruent. His feeble attempts to feign politeness were thwarted by his non-verbal condescension.
Why do we have such a hard time being honest? Why is this truth-speaking so hard? Why do we beat around the bush? Why do we sugar coat the message until the meaning is lost?
Why do we have such a hard time being honest? Why is this truth-speaking so hard?
In the South, we’re really good at sweetening a message until the point is missed altogether. I have a friend from New Jersey (I actually have a lot of friends from NJ) who was married to a woman from the South. He once told me the story of being in the mall with his wife and baby daughter when an elderly couple approached them. The couple reached toward the stroller, “What a beautiful baby!”
“Don’t touch my baby’s hands.”
It worked. The couple stopped in their tracks. They did not touch his baby’s hands. But his exceptionally polite, well-trained Southern wife later admonished him, “How could you be so rude?!” He didn’t see it that way. He explained, “If I’d smiled, apologized, and sweetened the message, they’d have already grabbed her hands before they understood what I was saying.” It was cold and flu season. His strategy was effective. His message was clear and congruent. There were no mixed messages.
I’m not suggesting that we take the reality TV approach by facing the camera and pouring out unedited, thoughtless, hurtful diatribes. Not at all. I believe that is irresponsible and dangerous. But we do often sit on some very important truths that we can be unwilling to approach.
So how do we balance speaking the truth in a responsible, helpful manner?
As a quick guide, there are 4 questions from the Sufi tradition that we can ask ourselves before speaking. Known generally as the “gates of speech”, I like the simple acronym TANK:
- It is Truthful?
- Is it Appropriate (time, place, manner)?
- Is it Necessary?
- Is it Kind?
British pastor and author, Alan Redpath used the acronym THINK: Truthful, Helpful, Inspiring, Necessary, and Kind. Regardless of the questions we use, the process slows us down and helps us reflect on our words, our intent, and our motive. I’m not certain that my young student understood either his intent or motive with his disclaimers and comments.
TANK: It is Truthful? Is it Appropriate (time, place, manner)? Is it Necessary? Is it Kind? Regardless of the questions we use, the process slows us down and helps us reflect on our words, our intent, and our motive.
Do you ever stop and consider: What exactly do I mean? What is the message that I want you to hear? Is it precise? Am I using my words in a manner that engenders the best in me and you? It IS hard speaking our truth and handling that in a clear, compassionate manner calls us to be our highest self (see Skill #19).
It often surprises me when a theme emerges in my office. Thrice this past week, I found myself encouraging someone struggling through a mess in their relationship to at least commit to being honest—to speak their truth. Honest both with their own self and their partner. Honest with themselves that what they were thinking or feeling is of value in the relationship. Then honest and courageous enough to find a way to share that. It may not be the cure for what ails the relationship, but it is genuine, congruent, and transparent. With a responsible delivery, it has potential to increase understanding, to operate as a more authentic self, and, thus, to potentially deepen intimacy.
Charles Dickens once wrote, “To conceal anything from those to whom I am attached, is not in my nature. I can never close my lips where I have opened my heart.”
What an aspiration!
In going about daily life, I sometimes wonder if people are really talking about the important things or just chattering about minutiae. My grandmother used to comment, “That person is talking just to hear their head rattle.” I’ll admit, sometimes I make that same judgmental assessment. I’ll also admit I’m probably prone to rattling at times. But like any other skill, speaking your truth, and not just rattling, takes practice. I am also still practicing this skill because I want to be my highest self: truthful, responsible, congruent, transparent, courageous, and more capable of intimacy. And I continue to aim high so more marvelous can emerge from the mess.
Commit to being honest in this new year. Honest with yourself and with the important people in your life. --LiM2, Skill #34: Speak Your Truth Click To Tweet
Speak Your Truth because Life is Messy and Life is Marvelous.
This is very helpful as are all your posts. Would you comdider doing a post on sarcastic humor?
That is a really good topic, Zoe–we’ll put it on our list. I wish I had thought of that while writing this one! Thanks for being such a loyal reader!
Empowering! Thanks, Amy. Just shared on FB.
Thank you so much, Katherine–that really helps us a lot! And thank you for being such a loyal follower!