Year Two, Skill #18: Know Who Counts

“You cannot get through a single day without having an impact on the world around you. What you do makes a difference, and you have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.”  –Jane Goodall

My friend, Brad, suggested the idea of this blog based on a topic in sports news–the sudden, unexpected death at 61 of John Saunders, ESPN commentator.  What grabbed Brad’s attention was that Mr. Saunders’ colleagues talked about how they had been so busy with their day-to-day tasks that they didn’t take the time to grab lunch, tell him how much they appreciated his generosity or mentoring, or how much they enjoyed their time with him.  They did what we all often do–just kept running on the hamster wheel of our lives without taking time for the people who really count.

After a loss like that, people often wonder or even feel guilty asking themselves, “did she or he know how I felt about them?  Did I take the time I should have to let them know how I feel?”

I often turn this dilemma around: If I were gone tomorrow, it seems that it is less important that I know how others felt about me but rather do they know how I felt about them?  Because once I’m gone, they are the survivors left here with their reflections, curiosities, and memories.  What impressions have I instilled in others?  Have I shown them how much they matter with my time, attention, and sentiments?

Once again, I am writing on arguably one of the most shared anniversaries of our time.  Fifteen years after 9/11/2001, there is one life lesson that we know: Any beautiful, sunny day can begin ordinary and finish extraordinary–it can end up as one of those days that changes your life.

A life lesson we know from 9/11:  Any beautiful, sunny day can begin ordinary and finish extraordinary–it can end up as one of those days that changes your life.

A definition of “to count” means to consider or regard; and to have regard means a feeling of respect or admiration.  Do the people who count to you know you admire them?

Time and time again, I hear stories from a person who had someone on their mind and kept thinking, “I should get in touch with them…” only to later learn that person left this life shortly thereafter.  I wonder, “Did they communicate to those they left behind how they felt? Did they leave this world having their loved ones confident about their relationship?”  I’ve encountered the complicated task of grieving when someone knows the deceased was upset with them. Or worse still, they were uncertain about the relationship and left unanswerable questions.  Rather than feeling guilty after someone is gone (as most people do anyway–regardless of the time they shared with a loved one), what if we spent our energy letting others know they really matter to us?

The therapeutic power of counseling is, in part, being witnessed by another. It is also about being valued, or as humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers said, receiving “unconditional positive regard.”  How might we do that in our lives?

• We would give those who count our time and attention. In the 1980’s there was a movement about having quality time vs. quantity time with people.  That notion was nice but we later discovered that without sufficient quantity time, it was difficult to achieve quality time. Sometimes quality takes time!
• We would listen—really listen—with curiosity and interest to those who count. Imagine your “hero” speaking somewhere and you had to buy an expensive ticket.  You wouldn’t just turn and walk away or play on your phone if they meant that much to you.
• We would practice kindness and compassion with those who count. Sadly, it sometimes seems like we need reminders to treat the ones we love tenderly rather than harshly.
• We would let the people who count know that we cared. We would tell them with our words and our actions that they were deeply important to us.

Do you know who really counts?  And do your put your energy into those folks or it is wasted in dead end relationships or meaningless endeavors that will not mean much once you’re gone.  Do these people who count know that you matter to them?  If not, we’ve got some work to do because life is messy and can turn in a quick second.

Take time to reflect on who really counts in your world:  Perhaps it is your children. Maybe your Godchild or grandchild.  Maybe your parent(s) or an elder.  Perhaps a beloved aging aunt.  Maybe it is your colleague who always has great ideas or a smile on his/her face.  Perhaps it is your young friend who was orphaned by the untimely death of her mother at a young age.  Maybe it is your friend you so easily turn to in a time of need, who maybe you neglect when things are going better for you. Maybe it is a kind but lonely neighbor who looks out for you.  Is it someone who makes your life easier or better in big or little ways?  How about your life partner?  What messages do you give them on a daily basis?  It matters.

Know Who Counts and let them know you care—that they matter—as often as you can.  It makes a difference. You have to decide what kind of difference you want to make.  And I believe you have the power to make everyone’s life more marvelous.

Rhea

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